My Lovely Life

Sarah at 3 months

2010-07-08T16:11:00.001-07:00

3 Months

wow my little girl is growing fast!

What your up to these days

2010-06-14T14:00:00.001-07:00

Last Wednesday you grabbed my finger and tried to put it your mouth, it took you so long but you stuck with it and you were able to grasp my finger, you are a very determined lady!

You smile at your papa a lot more now, not as much as he would like but you defiantly recognize him now, which is really neat!

You had your first fever lat week, I was worried but it wad from your shots and you where just fine.

I think you may have your first cold, you got it from your mama, I'm sorry.

You graduated from the lactation nurse! Your gaining weight and eating like a champ! You will never know what this means to me, it's been such a long road Sarah, and we are finally here!

We leave for San Diego in two weeks! You get to meet the rest of your family and they are so excited to meet you. I'm nervous about the car ride, you still don't like the car so much, I'm hoping it goes well.

You are so smart and beautiful and I love you so much. I could hang out with you all day everyday!

10 weeks?!

2010-06-14T13:48:00.001-07:00

How is it that my amazing baby girl is already ten weeks old? I try so hard to remember every little moment with Sarah that I think I forget to live every moment with Sarah, does this make sense? I think a mom tries so hard to do it all that by default our minds are constantly in motion, never on the moment at hand. I stare at Sarah and instead of just being there in the moment my mind is elsewhere.... Does she have my nose? Will her thrush ever clear up? Did I put the clothes in the dryer?.... And so on. When I was trying to make her I took a meditation class that focused on being in the moment, staying present, I got pretty good at it and then lost it, it requires much practice and I got lazy. I think I'm going to give it another try, I want to be present in my kids life. Kids don't need to practice this, they don't know any other way of life then the here and now, I want to share this with Sarah, to learn it through her. She's pretty good at it, I'll
be nursing her in the back seat, in the Target parking lot just to soothe her before heading home and she would stay there all day, not a care in the world, no care that mama is showing off her goods for all to see. She is in each moment as is, where did we loose this as an adult? When did laundry, next weeks appointment, oil changes become the focus of our thoughts? I can't wait to learn all things Sarah will teach me, to relearn the importance in life, I've never been good at doing laundry anyway.

2010-06-13T19:59:00.001-07:00

Whatcha up to these days

2010-06-04T16:15:00.001-07:00

So baby girl you've made it to a month with out your mom going crazy. You are growing so fast I can't stand it, please slow down!
~the other day you were so mad that you had to burp you stood straight up with little support from me, you are a very determined lady!
~you smile a lot, almost laugh at times. Your daddy can make you smile now which makes him so happy.
~You coo and talk to us everyday, you even screamed from your crib the other day, it was so cute!
~You had your first fever, I took you to the doctor but all was fine, you had just gotten some shots (sorry about that) so it was probably from that.
~You weigh 10 pounds now!
~I love you more then the last time I was here, you continue to amazing me daily.
~You hate the car, always have but now you cry so hard you stop breathing for a second, this scares your mom a lot so you can stop doing it please. Your getting better but it's still a work in progress.
~Your 3 weeks away from meeting your family in San Diego, everyone is so excited to see you and I can't wait until you meet your cousins!!

I love you and now must wake you up so we can go to the post office before they close, sorry you aren't going to be happy about this!

My big girl..

2010-06-04T16:09:00.001-07:00

I'll be taking a picture of Sarah every month to see how my baby grows. I can't believe how big she's gotten in just one month, and the hair just keeps on growing!

My Dear Girl

2010-05-17T15:00:00.001-07:00

You leave very little time to post here, please know that I'm not complaining, I would much rather be snuggling with you in bed watching TV but since Grandma Kelly is taking over right now I thought I'd update things around here. You are 6 weeks old tomorrow and I just can't believe how much you've grown, you are the most amazing girl. Here are some high lights...

~On your 4 week birthday I looked right at you, said hi and was given the most beautiful smile in return, my heart melted it was something I'll never forget. Oh and in case you were wondering it is quite early for a smile but you are amazing and started a little early in the smile department!

~At 5 weeks grandma came for a visit and made you laugh, again very advanced! She found your sweet spot and you gave us a nice chuckle..pure bliss!

~You fart a lot, you usually wake up farting, in fact I think that's what wakes you up sometimes.

~You had a rash on your face but now it's gone, which makes me happy

~I love you more then I did when you were born and I didn't think that could be, I think you are something special, I would even if I wasn't your mom, because you are.

~ You love to watch tv, and your favorite is hockey, your dad is happy but I think it's because of the fast movement, either way you love to stare at the TV.

~Have I mentioned you are amazing, oh I did well you are!

~You go on a walk with daddy every morning. You don't always want to go but once you get going you end up enjoying it. I know you will love it even more as you get older. I miss you when your gone.

~ I haven't left you yet, for longer then 1/2 hour, people say I need to do things for myself but I think hanging out with you is just where I want to be, so I'm not going any where anytime soon. Unless I decide to go to the hockey game tomorrow, but I'll probably stay here with you!

~ The dogs are getting very protective of you, they bark a lot more when you go on your walks. I think it's sweet, I hope you will too.

I love you monster, I am going to stop writing now so I can go give you a kiss, I miss you and your only down stairs ;)

xo
mom

Hello my baby girl Sarah!

2010-04-22T19:51:00.001-07:00

Ok So I haven't finished your birth story yet, I want it to be perfect and with all the detail that went into that day. In the mean time, your over 2 weeks old, 2 weeks, where did the time go? Have a breathed you in enough, have I kissed you, studied you loved you enough in your first 2 weeks? I feel like I need to be perfect for you, to know you and know what you need and I often feel like I don't. I'm trying to get to know your cries, your faces and even your grunts, your very grunty, especially when you sleep and especially when you are starting to wake up in the morning. You have done a lot of changing in 2 weeks, you don't cry with diaper changes like you did your first few days of life, you are starting to focus on things, you love to stare out the window and you love to look at me, even when I'm sobbing on the floor with you trying to understand what you need. You love the boob, in fact that's really all you want from me these days, it's ok I'm happy I can give it to you, I do wish I could get you to sleep like your papa can, I tried all day today and couldn't, your dad gets home and your asleep in 20 minutes, but that's ok, as long as I have the boobs I feel very needed!

Your face is changing a little, I think your looking more like your papa, and you seem to be getting longer, and holding your head up a little longer at a time. I am with you more then anyone and yet it all seems to be going by so fast, people warned me of this and I'm starting to understand it, I can't wait to see you grow up and see all your milestones, and at the same time I want to keep you my tiny little baby girl, weird uh?

I hope to figure out this mom thing soon, I seem to get frustrated easily, something I hope you don't get from me! I just wish I always knew what you needed, something I'm sure most new moms wish for. I love you more then I thought I could, you are amazing Sarah and I am blessed to be your mom. Thank you for being our take home baby, we are so lucky you chose us!

Dear Sarah

2010-03-30T10:45:00.001-07:00

I have a feeling that you are going to be a very independent lady who will want to make her own decisions and make her own way in the world. As much as this may make my job as your mom challenging I promise to foster this in you and do everything I can to make you happy. Having said that I would like you to know that you are more then welcome to start this early. While I've thoroughly enjoyed our time together on the inside I'm happy to have you come out and meet a few other people that love you. Now I don't want to tell you what to do, I really am going to try not to be that kind of mother, but it is nice out here, it rained a bit last night but the sun in shining now, your dad has a agreed to take some time off work and I know Grandma would love to a little early to meet you. I'm happy to carry you around as long as you want me to but should you want to come early I would be ok with that, you decide, no pressure.
I love you very much,
Mom

a change in the air

2010-03-18T07:52:00.001-07:00

I'm been thinking about my space in the blog world a lot lately, knowing how much I've enjoyed be a part of it, and yet being absent for most of my pregnancy. I don't think it takes a genius to figure out why I haven't written much about it. The other day Rob said I was going to need to start a new blog once the baby comes, and that got me all excited, a place where I can do nothing but talk about my baby and being a mom, sounds wonderful. It was the first thing I thought of this morning, all the pictures and stories, then the dreaded thoughts arose, what if something happens, what if she is sick, something happens in the delivery, the third wheel in my relationship with my daughter. Then I thought, isn't this what this blog has been about, looking beyond the insecurities and finding all the joy in my life. It hasn't been easy, there are some posts, when looking back that are complete stretches, days when I wanted to scream that nothing else mattered, it means nothing without a baby, but I didn't. I reached deep and saw the loveliness around me, took note of what did matter.

I don't think this pregnancy has been any different, harder but with the same goals. To try to put the negative thoughts aside and to enjoy my pregnancy, I can honestly say I haven't been all that great about it but I've tried. I think the same will happen when I'm a mom, I'll have doubts and insecurities but at the end of the day I will be a mom, I will have done my best and I will have something so lovely starring back at me.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think I need a new blog, this blog is just fine, it carries the same goals I have for when I become a mother, it reminds me of what I need to do, what kind of person, mother I want to be and on days when I want to pull my hair out and nothing goes right it will serve as a reminder of what it took to get here, what I did to get my baby what a miracle she truly is and just how lucky I am to have her, even when she won't stop crying and throws up all over me ;)

a few suprises

2010-01-10T17:50:00.000-08:00

I recently need to collect some information that brought me to my blog. Going through both of them brought up a ton of emotions, as you could imagine. The one thing I can say is that it is so awesome to have all of this to look back on, man I went through hell getting this little one. it got me thinking that I need to start writing about my pregnancy and Sarah, I want that to look back on too. So here are a few things to get me started...
I love this baby girl more then I thought possible
I love my husband in a whole new way
There is no amount of "bad day" that can't be erased by feeling her move inside of me
I don't hate pink
I still worry about loosing her, I get scared when I buy things or get gifts for her
My belly changes shape over time
I wonder what position she's in right now
I ownder what she'll look like, what sports she'll play, will she be a good dancer, will she be able to sing, will she hate me when she's a teenager, will she want to bake with me
I can't wait to see her with Rob, how in love they'll be, how she will have him wrapped her around her little finger, will she ever know how much he loves her, how it will continue to grow, how much he went through to get her
I've craved mayo, turkey, root beer, strawberry ice cream, just to name a few
I complain about my swollen legs, heartburn, headaches, sciatica but secretly love every moment of it all
I think I'll put pretty things in her hair, never thought I would
It totally freaks me out that there will be a whole other person in our little family, in a good way but seems so out of the norm

I'll think of more I'm sure

ketchup

2009-12-06T11:21:00.000-08:00

Hello-o-o-o anyone out there?

Well I suppose an update is in order around here, lets see, what can I say, what is new, hum oh wait there is this little thing, I'm pregnant! Nearly 6 months along and I haven't written a darn thing about it. It's hard to write and hold your breath at the same time!

I love ketchup, pun in title intended. That's what I have to say about my pregnancy, the kid makes me crave ketchup. I've thought of a gazillion blog posts about my pregnancy and how I feel, what I'm scared of (everything), the nursery, the plans for this little one but for a girl like me it's a scary idea putting putting it all down on computer, for the world to see, for me to look back on. What if I jinx it, what if I loose it, what if what if what if! So for now I will tell you I like ketchup, mounds of it on my favorite foods these days, veggie dog on a stick and french fries. Oh and that we are having a girl, and that I never thought I'd be this happy saying that.

The goal of this was to remember to look outside the world of trying to make baby and recognize the amazing life I have, the goal hasn't changed much, I have much to be thankful for, most comes from the time spent trying.
I love my husband
I love my dogs
I love my home
I love my family and friends
I love the little lady dancing in my tummy
I love my husband

kale, lentil, kitchen sink soup

2009-07-17T22:29:00.000-07:00

So I have to share a recipe for soup. For those of you who get actual summers this may seem strange but if you know Northern California summers I'm sure your feel'n me. I loosely based it off a recipe I found online but I'm bad at following recipes so it was more of an inspiration.
Shopping list:
olive oil
1 small onion
1 bunch of kale
2-3 carrots
1 zucchini
2 cloves of garlic
1 large container of veg or chicken stock, I used free range to be kind to the chicks
about a pound of lentils, I used a variety, yellow and green I think
1 ear of corn, just cuz I had it and I'm so glad I did, made a big difference
thyme
salt/pepper
1 container of plain low fat Greek yogurt, for a garnish

So really you can use any veggies, I just happen to have a lot of these on hand.

What really gussy'd my feathers about the original recipe was the use of the ribs of the kale leaves, I've always thrown them out but in this recipe you actually sauteed them right along side the onions..Genius!

ok ok here's your plan...

chop up your onion and ribs of the kale saute them in the olive oil until soft, add the carrots and garlic..salt and pep as you go. Then add the zuc's and whatever else you have on hand, for a quick saute. Roughly chop up the kale leaves add it to the mix, cover with the stock and enough water to cover all the veggies throw in the lentils and thyme, bring to a boil, then to a simmer for a while, I don't know how long because I got into a show, which actually turned out to be a good thing because the lentils fell apart and thickened the soup nicely. Serve up in a cute bowl, dollop with the yogurt and enjoy!

I forgot to take a picture but it was so so good! I will definitely be making this again!

Pretty Pyrex display in Lake View Chicago

2009-07-13T21:03:00.001-07:00

Pretty Pyrex display in Lake View Chicago
Originally uploaded by jazzejunqueinc

swoon!

Berry crazy

2009-07-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

Well hello there, it's been a while, what's new you ask? Well allow me to share...

So as much as I wanted my transition back into the working world to be seamless, it was not. I feel I'm on the other end of a long battle with exhaustion, grumpiness, and trying to regain knowledge on how to be a nurse again so back to my blog I write. After my first day back I was on the computer looking for jobs that required less adrenalin, but I've assumed my role of adrenalin junky once again and can't imagine being anywhere else. I do take the time for nice long deep breaths now and try to stay present and not bogged down with the tasks at hand. Let's see, what else...

Oh Happy Birthday to my husband. He is officially in his last year of his thirties and feeling strong, I think the chocolate cake I made him helped a bit...

It's the Hersey's chocolate cake with chocolate butter cream. I put fresh raspberries in the center and garnish with chocolate jimmies on the side
I think he liked it...

I also had a birthday entering my 2nd year into my thirties, it was a day that came and went, which was fine with me. At this age it's more important to me to have my 3 days off in a row then to try to get my birthday off and have a wonky schedule. I was rewarded for my decision yesterday with a lovely day with my husband and my dad, who is staying with us for a bit while he works up here. We had lunch, played with goats and picked berries. I took a wonderful nap afterward and then made an angle food cake to hold some of our berries and ended the day with a scary movie on the couch with dad.

I froze the olalaberries to make jam later, or a pie, or for snacking!

Today we will go the the Giants Padre's game, with opposing fans, my dad for the padres Rob for the Giants, me..I think I'll bring a crochet project I've been working on.

Ok off for a hike with the dogs, my exercise routine has been replaced with cake since dad got here, there's something about having my dad around that makes me want to show off my mad whisking skills, this has to end. He just keeps saying things like "you made this from scratch? Even the frosting?" and "this is amazing, I dont' usually like chocolate" (said after his 3rd piece). What can I say I swoon for compliments!
xoxo

2009-06-30T10:28:00.001-07:00

Originally uploaded by Mark Loper

Happy Tuesday

2009-06-21T18:17:00.000-07:00

Back to work. bad at working and posting at the same time. Will be better soon!

i heart pictures..

2009-06-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

Here is a little randomness from my camera....

Sarah and I before our monster of a hike in Utah, it was loads of fun!

Chloe's kindergarten graduation. It was so great to be there, Sarah and I met in kindergarten so it was full circle!

Miss Chloe with her first crochet project! She's a natural! And seriously, how cute is this little lady?!

Mr. Morey at his 60th birthday party! Nice cake uh...I made it! That's right move over Duff!

Rob and I at the party, he's swell isn't he?!

I forgot to take pictures of our trip to Tahoe so I thought I'd snap one on our way home, he hates his side profile but I like all his profiles so I decided to post it!

xoxo

Before and Afters

2009-06-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

So I thought I'd start a little section called before and after, me making things purty. I'm hoping one day this will include me as the subject, but for now my antique phone table!

Before

After

This was a lot of fun, I found the table at my local antique store and bought her on the spot! I love that it's also called a gossip table, and I always love me some good gossip! I knew instantly that I'd paint it white and reapolster it I just love the way it turned out! Oh and here it is in the love shack...

I'll try to find some before's to some after's I have so I can post them too.

Baby marmoset

2009-06-09T10:23:00.001-07:00

Baby marmoset
Originally uploaded by floridapfe

Ok I think I've given up on acquiring the polar bear I blogged about previously. It seems that our temperature preferences would greatly get in the way of our relationship, not to mention his claws being a bit long for scratching my back when asked. So I've moved on. I now think I could make a lovely home for this little fella. isn't he just cute as a peach! I mean really who wouldn't want this little fur ball of goodness?

Bliss

2009-06-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

Sitting in a beautiful hotel room in Tahoe with my cute as a pickle husband watching the rain fall, no where I'd rather be. He's the cheese to my macaroni.

Burn baby burn burn!

2009-06-05T18:11:00.000-07:00

So as I've mentioned I've been working out a lot lately. I mean a lot! Like 5 times a week, weird for me but getting use to it. I think I'm seeing some results physically but the scale ain't budging, I assume it's because I'm building nice lean beautiful muscles, or at least that's what I'm telling myself ;). So I was complaining about the scale coma to Mr. A and immediately wants to fix it, you need to work out more, how's your diet, are you getting enough protein, yada yada yada. All I wanted to do is vent but he had to fix...and I'm so glad he did!!!!!! This arrived the very next night!

I have to say it is so freak'n fun! I love it, it's like the Wii fit but it's designed by Bob Greene, you know the Big O's trainer. I immediately hooked it up and started my workout, I love it! I have a hot personal trainner (ok he is computer generated but you know how far they've come with imagery these days!) and a little pudgy Katie that does the workout with me, when I run she runs, when I squat shes squats when I flip off the screen because I'm dying she, ok the similarities end there but wouldn't that be cool.

So I have learned my lesson, no more complaining about my husbands constant need to "fix", I'll just vent and patiently await my prize!

good news bad news..

2009-06-02T19:22:00.000-07:00

I did not workout yesterday ;( BUT I did my video and a hike today!!! I'd say that's a fair compromise! I really can't wait for the evenings for my workout, it's like hurdling cattle.

I really don't like exercise. I'm not one of those people that "just can't go with out my 45 minutes on the treadmill" or "I feel so rejuvenated and refreshed after a nice long visit to the gym, it's like I'm a whole other person", uh no. I feel refreshed after a nice big bowl of ice cream on the couch with my DVR! But since the lifting of the spoon and remote counts little towards weight loss I'm forced to sweat. I guess I feel better afterwards but thats a really long time from before-wards, it's hard to remember how good I feel after a workout before starting a work out. I'm going to guess that if I had been working out as long as it's taken me to write this post I could have worked off enough calories to have that bowl of ice cream, uh?

knock knock...

2009-06-01T16:18:00.000-07:00

who's there? Motivation. Motivation who? Motivation get your you know what out from under the warn blanket you crawled into and go workout! So I, for obvious reasons have been working out like crazy, I even worked out in between the spinach dip and the vanilla milkshake I had with Sarah in Utah! Today is an especially difficult day to find motivation, shall I list the reasons...
1. It's gloomy out, a great day for warm blanky and a little hook'n.
2. I'm tired.
3. I also have to play the role of wife and go to the store and make dinner.
4. I have much to catch up with on my DVR.
5. My husband is trying to play coach and says I have to workout, I rarely am in the mood to do as I'm told.
6. There are a lot of pretty things to look at on the blogs I follow.

Alas I must ignore these 6 delicious reasons and work out. The list of reasons why to work out is far greater then the one above. I feel like I woke up recently and realized that I was fat. Weird uh? Like I think I knew, I had to buy larger sized clothing, my sleeping position had to conform to the additional weight around my mid section, I was asked not once but 83 times if I was pregnant. I know I joined Weight Watchers so there must have been some awareness, but really I seem to have just woken up to this body, on a very conscious level. I think my mind was quite focused on baby that everything else was ignored. Well not any more sister! I'm going to get up out of this warm blanket perk up, turn the computer AND TV off, put my leg warmers and head band sweat catcher thingy on and work out to "The Firm"! I will not be distracted by Bo's frequent kisses while doing the AB portion of the video, I will not quite early I will not count the seconds until it's over I will do it and wake up and do it again tomorrow!!!!

Please check back tomorrow to see if I actually listened to that little pep talk, it will keep me accountable!

Utah bound

2009-05-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

I'm off to Utah to see my friend Sarah, I'll be back Saturday and will have many pictures and stories to share! Have a great week!

my attempt at a garden

2009-05-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

SO I thought I would give another go at a garden. It's at this point that I'm thankful that my dear friend Gene doesn't read this as he would love to remind me of my last attempt and I just don't think that's necessary. So here's what I have so far, all are in pots as my
dogs dig and the last time we plated something it was roses and they were thoughtfully delivered to my back porch, not that I don't like receiving flowers but you get the point. I have parsley, basil, chives and 2 types of tomatoes, and I promise they've grown since this picture was taken, really they have.

I also picked up some succulents, they are suppose to be "kill free" but I'm sure I'll figure away around that, these are in the window in the kitchen.

Mr. A's dinner called for parsley last night and he was excited to have it freash from the garden, but I was to scared to cut some off, what if it doesn't grow back? I used store bought, maybe next time.

paper dress - phone book

2009-05-22T17:27:00.001-07:00

paper dress - phone book
Originally uploaded by wild world of nosilla

amazing! I found this through Whip up and couldn't believe how beautiful it was, check out all the pics, it's made completely out of phone book pages.. just amazing!!

So many ideas so little money...

2009-05-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

So we just go the hardware for the bathroom delivered from Restoration Hardware and will put them up this weekend, before and after photos to follow. After that I think we'll be done for a while, until funds allow a spa tub with jets, a restored antique vanity, raised sink, new faucets, and matching mirror, so yeah..done for now! On to the kitchen, maybe. I spoke with my dad yesterday and he seems to think we can re do the kitchen at a reasonable price, but in the way of kitchen makeovers reasonable can have many meanings. I'll try to post some pictures of what I want later, now I must listen to the cry's of board dogs needing their daily hike, do you think they will every know how good they have it?

Oh and I bought a kit to sew my first quilt, so in about 5 years when I finish it I'll post pics here!

May I please have one, please?

2009-05-18T17:01:00.001-07:00

found on http://www.stumbleupon.com/

From Groveland with love

2009-05-18T14:57:00.001-07:00

So I just got back from an amazing time in Groveland, a cute little town near Yosemite. I spent the weekend with my friend Cynthia and her friend Mary at Cyn's beautiful weekend home. I had the most peaceful time there. It was a no rules weekend, well except we had to put the toilet seat down after use so that Topper the cat didn't treat himself to a little drink from the pot, other then that no rules! I finished a book I was reading, crocheted, fed a deer strawberries, went antiquing, had good wine, watched "Bulet"..great movie, it was just what I needed. Thank you thank you thank you to Cynthia for providing a weekend away to forget it all and for all of your amazing support, I'm so blessed to have you as a friend!

I love my husband. He is my best friend and is the most supportive person in my life, just felt I needed to get that off my chest!

Lovely things to be thankfull for today

2009-05-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

I went for a refill of my NC30 compact at MAC today and walked out with a lovely new look for spring (and a bag of makeup worth a pretty penny;)

I shared a booth at our local taco-ria with my darling husband today, good company good burrito good times.

I took a long walk on the beach today, something I don't do nearly enough, it was peaceful and beautiful. I even got to through a ball for a dog a couple of times, you must reward persistence.

A wonderful chat with my therapist, the stuff she can get out of me, she's a cleaver one!

I'm alive, I feel strong from my new daily exercise routine, I live in a beautiful home surrounded by beautiful things and I have to say, a little makeup does a lady good, if only I knew what the heck to do with it tomorrow sans hip makeup girl ;).

Rob's going to hate sharing a TV with me this fall..

2009-05-05T11:00:00.001-07:00

So I was doing my usual blog roll count this morning, looking at everyone's new posts and over and suffix.abuse I found my potentially new television addiction.....

I hope it makes it!! Look interesting to anyone else, or am I a total dork?

catch up

2009-05-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

So it appears that this little blog needs some catch up! Lets see, where to begin....
Cupcakes;
So as I mentioned I made cupcakes for my nieces softball game and that I owed some pics so here you are my beautiful carrot cupcakes....

The girls loved them, next time I think I'll bring chocolate.

and the little lady in action....

Next,

A lovely day in Marin with Alnyra (Anyra and Al, think bradgalina) we had a little cooking lesson with her kitchen aid mixer, which she hadn't used yet! We did soft pretzels, pizza dough and angle food cake. The weather was perfect and the company was even better...

Ah and a catch up wouldn't be complete without mention of some sweet Aloha!

I some how sweet talked us into a cherry red Mustang convertible, which proved a bit tricky with 4 people and 5 bags ;)

We had lunch with T and B and T's local cousin and then off to check out our amazing hotel room, again some how getting us an up grade to an ocean view room

We planned a lot of things to do, some we did some we skipped for time on the beach or on a stand up paddle board. We did make it to the Luau though and despite the cool breeze we had a great time..

My mom had a great time, she really deserved the time away and soaked it all in

And the wedding...what an amazing, detailed, fun, beautiful wedding...

Nothing was spared to show their guest a good time, a photo booth, Hawaiian dancers, an amazing 3 course meal, dancing and best of all the love that these two obviously share, the beautiful bride and the very proud groom were the perfect centerpiece to this A-maz-ing wedding!!!!!!!

Fun with the gals...

and beauty all around ....

As I said before it was a hard to get excited about this trip but once I was there I really felt the love and peace of the Island and had a great time. It was even better being there with some very very important ladies in my life, it was a happy way to get away from it all, even if only for 5 days.

2009-05-02T16:18:00.000-07:00

sorry..

2009-04-21T21:07:00.001-07:00

no posty post in a while, I have no excuses nor can I make 1 up at the moment. I have many things to post about, including pictures..the bathroom, Ashley's game, baking..oh I'm so behind! All must wait as I'm leaving for Hawaii on Thursday for a few days. My dear friend Joy with be say her I Do's this Saturday and I am thrilled to be a part of her lovely day, and it doesn't hurt that it's in Hawaii ;). It's been hard to get excited about going I must admit, with all thats going on it's hard to leave the comforts of my home and my hubs. He's like a bald, Italian secuity blanket, warm and fuzzy on the inside! Everyone is telling me that it will be good for me to go, get my mind off things, I'm sure their right, I guess I just have to get there, besides I'll have my mom there to torchure;)!!

I promice to catch up when I get back, although I do have to call in for jury duty the night I get back, it's as if they knew I was going on vaction and wanted me to pay for it, it's not like I don't have the time!

Happy Easter

2009-04-11T20:09:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow I eat ham! I don't eat ham very often but when I do I love it! I hope what ever you'll be doing tomorrow includes ham, or what ever indulgence you want! Rob had an early Easter egg hunt, something he didn't do as a kid so I thought I'd set one up for him, it went very well! No post tomorrow as I will be suffering from my ham coma.

My girls..

2009-04-10T17:25:00.000-07:00

I just finished a wonderful day with some lovely friends who once again got me out of bed to smell the fresh air. It was the simplest of days, walk with dogs, lunch outside in the sunshine ending curled up on the couch with T and hot chocolate talk'n sex and rock and roll, what could be better.

I will be forever be in awe of the power of true friendship. I have been blessed with the most amazing circle of support during my struggles, support that is priceless. I just hope I'll be able to do the same if needed one day because let me tell ya'll I've definitely gotten my share and then some. My heart is full today.

Back around

2009-04-02T19:30:00.000-07:00

So I'm back around, sorry for the lack of posts, just haven't been in the mood. I will recap all of the fun I've been having while not writing about it.

I've taken some personal leave from work, all has finally caught up with me and I've gone a bit crazy, but thus way I get to do it from the privacy of my own home! Since then I had a wonderful date with my family, my mother in law, sisters in law, niece and Rob, it was a nice dinner ending with shots at Leslie's, perfect evening. I really needed that night, with this whole getting knocked up thing I forget to keep relationships going with the people I love the most so I'm trying to get back to normal!

Speaking of family I actually had an even better time watching my gorgeous niece play VARSITY soft ball! Whats with the all caps...she's a freshmen! Yes I know she kicks ass! It was so fun to watch, 1 because she rocks but also because it reminded me of the days of cheering on the girls back in the day. I never played softball..hello it's a sport,,I don't do sports! But I would go to a ton of my friends games, and everything is just the same, the sounds, the smells, it was a trip to go down memory lane. In hopes of not embarrassing my very cool niece I made the girls on the team cupcakes, I know crazy aunt Katie and her cake dome of cupcakes, but I think they were a hit! I chose carrot cake with cream cheese frosting and a walnut topping. Rob thought I should have done my chocolate with chocolate glaze but I was trying to be a bit healthy since I was delivering them to a soft ball game. I'll post pictures later.

Other then that I've been staying busy with bike rides and hikes with the dogs, the wind has been crazy here so it's hard to find the motivation to do anything out doors, but still I try!

lacking inspiration to write

2009-03-28T21:40:00.000-07:00

maybe this quote will light a fire...

Reduce intellectual and emotional noise until you arrive at the silence of yourself, and listen to it.
— Richard Brautigan

I've already added one of his books to Goodreads, I'm intrigued.

hook'n

2009-03-15T18:39:00.000-07:00

So I'm home doing a little crocheting today, it's been a while but I think I'm getting the hang of it. It's a gloomy day so it's a good day for hooking, the kind with yarn, not the kind with fish net stockings and phrases like "you like what you see baby" it's definitely too cold for that kind of hooking today. Sharks are playing the Ducks, do you think they are all little embarrassed by the name, like if a Duck was in a pool with a shark the shark would obviously eat the duck right? Weird. Anyway Sharks are winning 1 nothing, as it would be in nature.

We're redoing our bathroom, I'll have before and afters when we're done, it's going to be in blues, browns and creams, like our whole house actually..original. I will now attempt to be like one of those really cool blogs that puts picture collages together to demonstrate what I hope it will look like..

wow I'm so much cooler then I thought I was! I also have this on it's way and am thinking about these. What do you think? really want to redo everything, including the sink, vanity, mirror and lighting but we'll have to do it a little at a time since I'm sticking to the other kind of hooking we'll have to save for the other stuff.

help a little one

2009-03-10T20:58:00.000-07:00

A Happy Accident

2009-03-10T15:46:00.001-07:00

So after nearly a month off of work it seems I have forgotten how hard it is for this body of mine to get up at a scheduled hour. The minutes I've become accustomed to sleeping through have now been replaced with a load noise. It is strange, it seems to get louder and louder as if it's trying to tell me something, I just don't understand what it's trying to say. I notice a button on top the source of this strange noise and I push it in hopes of figuring out what I'm suppose to do but instead the noise stops entirely. Great I thought, back to my sleep I go, only to be woken again a few moments later by the same noise, I push the same button again and again I fall back asleep, this time taking a little longer then the last and again I'm awaken by the noise. I decide it's best to avoid the button this time and try to figure out why this is happening to me, why have my customs of sleeping until noon changed, think Katie. Think!. OH CRAP..I have to go back to that dreary place called work today, that is what the little noise maker was trying to tell me, get up Katie your time has come, get up at a scheduled hour and join the masses, it's time.

After coming to grips with the idea that I'm no longer Princess Grace of Granada I quickly through on some jeans half-assed brushed my teeth and through an english muffin in the toaster I felt I would just have enough time to get to the class I was scheduled for at work, I would have to run, something a princess isn't conditioned for, but I knew I could just make it. I grab my untoasted toasted english muffin and run for the car, still in hopes of making it I am faced with the infamous orange light on my dash...the. gas. tank. is. empty. I remember seeing this light yesterday while running errands and I remember plotting a way of getting my husband to fill up for me last night when he got home but that's the last thing I remember about that.

Oh no I'm for sure going to be late now, maybe they'll let me slide, maybe they won't notice, maybe they held the class until I got there, after all didn't they know I had been princess Grace of Granada? Huf and puf and read "all late nurses: come back on March 16th". Crap.

After a few phone calls and a drive through the city it turns out I get one last day of being a princess... I get to have am impromptu breakfast date with my Mr. Princess. So the lesson here kids, it can pay to be late, I got like 6 extra kisses that I wouldn't have gotten if I made it to class.

When life gives the princess lemons she has one of her people make lemonade!

spring cleaning on steroids!

2009-03-05T21:30:00.000-08:00

So if by a miracle I get all the things done on my list I will accomplish the spring cleaning of all spring cleaning, I mean I am definitely going for gold in the spring cleaning Olympics here. Now for all of you who know me I would like to reassure you that it is me that Rob has not taken over my blog. It's part manic and part needing to get some projects finished. I should clarify that not all "projects" will include cleaning, there will be some crochet projects to finish up, some painting of furniture, some fun things mixed in with all the cleaning. Hum, now that I'm thinking about it I don't think there will be much "cleaning" per say, what can I say it's Katie's version of spring cleaning..the no cleaning spring cleaning, ew I like it!

I have taken some before shots and will post as projects get finished, this is so fun!

Oh and regarding my last post I got word from my wonderful mom that she's in search of a pink fish for me, it's no dolphin but that's OK, I never got a pony as a kid either, I've learned how to make do ;). Thanks mom!!!

i want one

2009-03-03T20:51:00.000-08:00

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01358/pink_dolphin_1358282c.jpg

good day

2009-02-22T10:52:00.001-08:00

I'm lying on bed watching the rain fall. I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking how lovely this is. Isn't funny that when you have to go to work or run errands while it's raining you hate the rain, but when you have nothing to do and no where to go it is the most peaceful thing? Us humans so greedy! I think I have to go down stairs and make some hot cocoa, that would be the icing wouldn't it!

Oh and Wednesday was my 9 year anniversary of being with sugar bear plum plum boy, ok he may kill me for publicizing that but oh well. 9 years is a long time you'd think I'd be sick of someone after 9 years, but no, happier then ever. The more time goes on the more I feel I was always meant to be his wife, cheesy I know. There's a lot of love there, hope we get to spread it to little people one day!

OK back to the rain.

V day. Everyday.

2009-02-13T18:57:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day to the guys with the cutest butt I've ever laid my eyes on. Today we forget everything else and celebrate the family we have in each other. Thanks for our 9th V day baby, love you for 90 more!

some randomness

2009-02-11T21:22:00.000-08:00

Have you heard about this guy
wow what a catch

Something sweet to get the Stephan Fowler taste out of your mouth, OK not so sweet considering the whole story, but a sweet ending!

My view from my morning pee......

Bliss.

technical dificulties

2009-02-06T18:16:00.001-08:00

So sorry for the lack of posts, we're having computer issues but I have so much to post about! New post on Monday!!!!!!!

Loveliness

2009-01-27T21:08:00.000-08:00

Rob and I bought ourselves a little treat. I have to say he may be having a little too much fun with our new toy. We're still getting use to it but as it stand I kick ass in bowling. Now there are games that Rob is better then me but this is my blog and so all we need to know is that I kick ass in bowling!

Remember this....

It took some time but I was able to convince Mr. A that I could make plates work in this space and I think I was right....

It's still a work in progress but I think it looks a lot better then it did.

I'm sure there is more to say but in staying with the lovely theme I must go and enjoy Mr. A lying next to me, dogs cuddled at my feet, heating blanket on a cold night and the Sharks on TV, life is swell!

I heart Mr. Gibbs

2009-01-23T18:16:00.002-08:00

no not that one.

Robert Gibbs the new press secretary for The Obama office. He is funny and smart and cute in a geeky sort of way. He handles the ridiculous questions with a joke and a cute grin. Great job Mr. Gibbs! Great addition to the staff Mr. President, please continue to hire people that don't take themselves to seriously but are serious about their job. I feel my addiction to CNN creeping up again, my how you seduce me with the first 100 days of Obama and the always sexy Anderson Cooper, how can I stay away.

I'm writing from rainy San Diego, here visiting the family with Mr. A. We're having fun, dinner and drinks tonight with mom and J, Claim Jumper, love it!
K

Zilly Rosen of ZILLYCAKES in Buffalo, NY, builds a likeness of presidential candidate Barack Obama using 1240 cupcakes.

2009-01-20T08:59:00.001-08:00

Zilly Rosen of ZILLYCAKES in Buffalo, NY, builds a likeness of presidential candidate Barack Obama using 1240 cupcakes.
Originally uploaded by shastio

Happy Inauguration Day. An Obama made out of cupcakes, why didn't I think of that. This a wonderful day in our history, no matter who you casted your vote for. Enjoy your day Mr. President!

Thata Girl!

2009-01-14T09:51:00.000-08:00

Things I'm proud of from 2008:

I lost 18 pounds! EIGHT.TEEN.POUNDS!!
I still love my job.
I over came.
I vacuumed more, well only once but it's more then last year!
I visited the East Coast.

I made "save the earth" changes.
I spoke in front of the Board of Supervisors of San Francisco.
I started acupuncture again.
I did yoga, twice.
I voted.
I road a stand up paddle board and only fell once and my husband fell 4 times, I'm more proud of the later statement.

Just to name a few...

"NUMBER 33?"

2009-01-09T21:22:00.000-08:00

So I had a blog worthy experience today, a Korean massage! This differs in many ways from a typical spa, first everyone walks around naked. I don't do naked. But I thought what the heck do as the natives do. Second your massage is preceded by a "scrub", think car wash but more scrubby. Third the massage therapist or "scrubber" is in a kind of matching black bra and panties, please read on for a more detailed explanation as to why this is the attire of choice. I went with a friend from work, a very sexy skinny girl from work, I was very happy the scale read 3lbs less this AM

I am called to my massage by a cute older Korean lady in a not so spa voice, "NUMBER 33, NUMBER 33?, You number 33?" I nod and head toward the balcony she's calling from. I walk in to a large room where 2 other women are in the midst of their treatment, um ok. I'm directed to a table with a plastic cover similar to those in Chinese restaurants that have lovely lace table clothes they cover with said plastic to prevent soy stains, yea one of those. I'm instructed to lye face down, I do as I'm told, still open minded, not letting my OCD ruin my experience. Just about the time I'm complementing myself for doing such a non-Katie thing I'm doused in warm water, oh wow, well thats unexpec...oh here we go again, hum ok that feels nice, I think(please refer to attire choice, making more since now?). She then dons some interesting gloves and applies some cream of sorts and starts the "scrubbing" portion of the service, I, at this point, am learning that the gloves are scrubby gloves, with raised pieces to exfoliate, this with the cream applied is sloughing off dead skin, much like when you rub your hands together really hard and the pills of skin are left in your palm, but on a much larger scale. There where very few corners of my naked body that where missed in the vigorous scrub down. Oh and you better believe that Miss. OCD payed a little visit at this point!

I'm then asked to stand, so more water can be thrown at me, the table was cleaned, I laid back down, and the massage started. It was nice, lots of baby lotion, which frightened me a few times as I know it to be slippery. I got a head/neck massage and as she worked down to my shoulders I felt her dis-satisfaction with the tightness of my muscles (wonder why?) and it's at this point she hops on the table, stadles me and tries it at a different angle, she moved on. The experience ended with a milk bath and a "Happy New Year".

I'm happy to have an interesting topic for blogging. My shoulders are a bit sore. I had a little "itchiness" that was relieved with a shower. I have the skin of a new born baby!!! All in all not a terrible experience. I think little miss OCD may not allow a revisit but fun over all.

2009=more blogging

2009-01-07T21:09:00.000-08:00

Hello!
So I know I said I wasn't going to share any resolutions but I change my mind, I resolve to blog more. I'm so impressed with the blogs I read, with the daily posts, that I've decided to attempt to follow in their greatness. Wow, I guess I have to have something to write about. OK lets start with my 7 day cleanse in 2 days, yeah I went from 7 days to 5 days to 2 days and ended with some yummy Chinese food. I really wanted to do this detox for the whole week but I was so hungry that I rationalized myself to a 2 day'r. I am back on WW, keeping track of my points like a champ, even writing them down!

OK I'm going back to enjoying a house to myself, dogs on the bed and a stack of catalogs I just got, yum!

2008-12-31T18:10:00.001-08:00

Find me on Polyvore

Ah that time of year again...

2008-12-28T23:12:00.000-08:00

So it's that time of ear that we all start thinking of the added pressure we're going to put on our selves just because the date has changed from December 31st to January 1st. For the last 2 years I've had this bright eyed look on the coming year, wondering when I'll get pregnant, when I'll be a mom, what will we do different this year to get us there. This year the eyes aren't so bright and I'm not setting expectations that are out of my control. I will make a "list" as I have an uncontrollable eagerness every new year, trust me I've tried to fight it but there really is something about that damn count down to a new year, a new beginning. This year however I will be cautious of only including things in which I have control over, example: I will continue weight watchers to loose weight vs. I will have perfect hair every day next year, I'd really settle for 1 day a week but you get the point. I will also not forget small goals I've set for myself throughout last year. I will be realistic and honest with myself, I will add things such has smile daily, laugh often, have fun, as these will be important in the coming year. I will not look to the new year as an addition to our struggles, as a way of adding more time to time already spent, I tend to do this as if the more time you spend in a bad situation the more valid it. I will keep this list to myself and my husband but will share the ups and downs of reaching these goals here, I'm gonna go for more ups then downs if I can help it. It's just another day in the big picture, ya know? Oh I will share one... to blog more!!!

cool moment and still exploring blogger

2008-12-21T17:10:00.000-08:00

So I am still getting the feel of blogger, it offers more features but isn't the easiest to figure out.

I do have to take a moment to share one very "cool" moment that Mr. A and I shared last night. So theres something I've always wanted to do but for many reasons haven't. It isn't in line with my cool gal persona which has been the main reason I've refrained, until now. I (along with my equally cool husband) stood out side the exit of HP Pavilion, aka the "Shark Tank" and waited for the players to leave after last nights game. Yes I know my Most Popular standing in the year book is in jeopardy but I just couldn't keep it from you all. I know that the first word that may come to mind would be stalker but I prefer thinking of it as enthusiastic support. Was it cold? yes. Did many of the players drive on probably thinking that we all where a bunch of freaks? sure. But I have to say, I'm very glad I did it, I mean ladies you'll understand I'm sure...

Sure I'm a fan but I'm a women first, how damn hot is Mr. Jody Shelly, oh and to see him in action...

yeah I'm beginning to think my cool status isn't in jeopardy, I think it's only added to the coolness with in. Thanks Jody, your hot!

2008-12-18T16:59:00.000-08:00

welcome

2008-12-11T16:19:00.000-08:00

I hope you like the new digs! I did the switch for many reasons but the most important one is the cute design! My dear friend Michelle at Shabby Designs created the new look, isn't it great! Anyway I'm getting ready for the Sharks game, chomp chomp!!! I'll be back later to try out all the features!

Today

2008-12-08T20:45:00.000-08:00

So I’m playing hookie from a class I was suppose to go to today, actually I had a rough sleep last night, weird dreams, achy, so home is where I stay. I’ve been trying to get this flu out of my system for what seems like forever, hopefully the bizzar plane rides and random hotel rooms in my dreams finally did the trick. I thought a little online window shopping was in order for my “sick day”. I’m actually a little blue too so here is for the blues

anthro apron

Oh and since I don’t feel well here is for the aches

anthro sweater

Oh and since Mr. A was mean to me last night

fun

Oh but since he’ll get use out of that too

3059

Oh and I guess I’m feeling a bit guilty about not going to this class today

more fun

Ok feeling better. Time for some 9 grain hot cereal to start the day!

Wow, What a Package

2008-12-06T20:43:00.000-08:00

I got to the post office today to pick up the usual fare, bills, catalogs, ads for Safeway, more catalogs, and had a notice that I had a package! There is such a child like feeling that comes over me when I learn I have a package, it’s so special. I knew I hadn’t ordered anything lately (note to self start online Christmas shopping soon) so it was a mystery. I handed over my ticket and watch the post office man go over to a big box, WOW a big box, what could it be? He hands it over and I head for the car, trying to look cool, as if I wasn’t going to open it as soon as I got in! I tear it open with my keys, fingers, teeth, whatever, to find aaawwwww….

This was the Oscar worthy gift bag from my dear friend Cynthia put together for the annual Stitch and Bitch retreat that I missed, she sent it to me even though I didn’t make it to the retreat. It was so fun to open, prize after prize, so thoughtful and well put together, now I wish I had gone to this years retreat! Thank you my dear friend.

So getting the mail was on a long list of other things I had to do but when one gets a package of this caliber priorities change…

(thank you to Lucy too, I know you had a hand in this, you both are rock stars, I promise to see you guys on a Monday night meeting soon!)

Other randoms

Went to Weight Watchers, lost weight, have more to go but I was inspired. The meetings can get a little cheesy but I stayed til the end

Slap me on the wrist for doubting my beloved Sharks, they won!! It was a tough game and they didn’t play all that well but Nabby (the hot goalie) saved the team with some impressive saves, thats my boy… Who’s Your Nabby!?

I had a nap today, it was nice, good old fashion nap, highly recommended after a night of bad dreams, so many nights with weird dreams. This one was with my RE’s (reproductive endocrinologist, in short baby making doctors) and Robin from the Howard Stern show, so random.

Oh and I added some links to other blogs I love on my side bar, check it out!

Work tomorrow, blah.

2008-12-05T20:41:00.000-08:00

YUCK!

So I have a blank wall in my dinning room that needs help. I am trying to convience my husband that I can make a wall of displayed plates look really cool, this will take a while.

Randoms and Thanksgiving

2008-12-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

Why do I spend more time reading other blogs and leave mine stranded? Apparently I’m late on the post Thanksgiving blog. I, despite all my efforts, had a great time celebrating Thanksgiving. My mom and BFF came up from San Diego and brought their dogs, which upped the total of dogs at the Love Shack to 5 (we also watched our neighbors dog that weekend). It was a ton of fun, it’s always much more fun to spend time with dogs then people. I made a big meal, which I have to say was so fun. My mother in Law and one of my sister in laws came for dinner (the others were very missed). We also had a friend of Rob’s come for dinner, I had never met him but he was really funny and handled our crazy family quite nicely. Everyone seemed to love dinner, as they should….

Turkey with Smokey rub from William Sonoma

Green bean casarole

yams

homemade stuffing

Roasted asparagus

gnocci (have no idea how to spell this, but pretty damn good at making it!)

dinner rolls FROM SCRATCH!

pumpkin pie

oh and a delicious scalloped sweet potato w/ pecans that didn’t quite make it to the table after the this-is-really-heavy drop, yeah alllllll over the open oven door..floor…feet..anthro shirt…EVERYWHERE! Whatever, it was laughable. You may be wondering how I knew it was delicious? Remember the episode of friends, where Rachael and Chandler ate cheese cake of the floor, surgically cutting away the pieces that had touched floor, that was me on my oven door, I have no shame!

All in all it was a great evening (I will leave out the fight with the crazy lady occupying the shack behind us). I love my husband, not only does he accept me for my Martha wanna be ways, supports me in making far too much food, WASHED THE DISHES….BY HAND, he thanks me for working so hard making dinner for our family. Not the football watching ass scratching men I grew up knowing on thanksgiving. Thank you my love and your welcome.

(please excuse my lack of photos, I just wasn’t feeling the camera)

We also went to Napa that weekend, so fun, lots of good talks, good cheese good wine, good day.

What do you do when your a couple days away from having out of town guests, your house is a mess, you have a huge dinner to cook and you work the next 3 days…..

Life is good.

More randomness…

lots of projects going on at work

need to get a new garbage disposal, preferably before thanksgiving, oh crap I knew I forgot something

Going to a weight watchers meeting tomorrow, I’ve been a little lazy on the weight loss lately, damn you moist smoked rubbed turkey with all the fixings, and your left over friends who tempt me daily.

Had acupuncture today, oh what bliss, I love you little needles and soft hippy music and heat lamps and warm fuzzy blanky, thank you for a sweet nap.

Sharks have won eight in a row, maybe not 9, game still early but not looking good

Anxiously waiting for the Christmas shopping fairy to arrive with all my gifts wrapped in beautiful paper with hand tied bows, has she come to you yet? She seems to be running a little late this year.

Lessons Learned

2008-11-25T20:39:00.000-08:00

So you know when your at work and you’ve been doing it a while and you kind of know what the hell your doing and then some young whipper snapper comes along and thinks they can do it better, yeah it happens in nursing too. The only difference is that it often comes from a family member and at the risk of disillusioning the holier then thou image of nursing we often handle the same way.

So I was talking to the dietitian at work today and she was telling me the latest on a family we have on the unit. They over nighted a supplement from the internet after hearing from a friend of a friend that their loved one lived 6 months longer then originally estimated by drinking it. Our immediate reaction was yeah right. To clarify we’re not a bunch of insensitive folks who sit around with no hope for our patients, dismissing all the families concerns, the opposite is true actually, we hope for acceptance and peace for both our patients and there families. We far to many times see a struggle for this and far to many times we know the ultimate outcome. We happily have been wrong in the past but over all have a grasp that a supped up Ensure isn’t going to prolong the inevitable.

So I got to think about my cynical point of view and came to a very obvious conclusion, it’s not about the wonder drink, it’s about hope. They hold on to hope the only way they know how. They’re in a whole new unfamiliar world, they don’t have a lick of knowledge about all this medical crap they just know they’re dad or husband or friend, their just doing what they can do. Rob and I have been these people, we have stood on our heads spun 3 times kissed the budha in hopes of getting pregnant, we’ve devoured the internet for just the right vitamins just the right… whatever! All the while being mocked at by our doctors. We are in an unfamiliar world and we don’t have a lick of knowledge about this crap but I guess , despite my denial, I still have hope, why else would I stand on my head spin 3 times and kiss the budha, because I’m just doing what I can do. Hope.

Boston Bound

2008-11-22T20:39:00.000-08:00

So after a lovely night in Nantucket we got up bright and early to catch the fairy back to Long Island, we were headed for Boston. I was so excited about visiting Boston, being a history geek it was right up my ally. The drive was nice..until we actually got there! I guess city blocks were invented after people settled in Boston, it’s like one big 1/2 circle, with all one way streets, going the opposite way we needed to go, up hill both ways in the snow (ok not that bad). We finally found our hotel, which was scary to say the least. We dropped our bags off and started walking, with proper foot attire this time. We stopped for lunch, I wanted to go to Cheers, you know where everyone knows your name, Rob thought it was cheesy so we settled for, you guessed it, Italian. We tried to find Paul Reveres house but again got lost and this time ending with a bit more frustration, well more like me plopping down on a bench and deciding that Paul Revere sucks and I didn’t want to see his stupid house anyway! It was really confusing trying to get around! The adventure did lead us to a yummy decaf latte and cannoli at an old time bakery, it was so nice to just sit down and do nothing. I wanted to do a little shopping so we hopped in a cab and asked the driver to take us where the shops were, and it was so worth it. We found a yarn store where we sat and talked with the owner for about an hour, I bought enough yarn to make up for her time I assure you!

We then headed for Fenway Park, so cool to see such an historic ball park, it was the play offs so we didn’t attempt to see the game that night but the energy was awesome.

We also saw the The Garden, we really wanted to catch a hockey game while on the east coast but all the teams were out of town.

I even went to Harvard..How bout them apples?!

who know I could get in! Actually I sent pics to our niece who could actually get in! It was so crazy being there, again with the history. I wanted to take a guided tour but kept my cool wife status and opted for the self guided instead. I kept looking at everyone and deciding, based on what they looked like, if they were students or just visiting, yeah totally wrong I know but like you couldn’t tell. I kept thinking wow your like totally smart. I was enchanted to say the least.

We drove by MIT but didn’t stop, i mean how can you beat Harvard!

We got dinner, again NOT at Cheers, and headed to the grimy hotel, it was an early night as the next day would bring us to Maine, and we were so excited to get to the leaves of red and yellow and orange and brown and beauty.

A not so suprise dinner for 2

2008-11-22T20:37:00.000-08:00

So I casually mentioned that I wanted Rob to make dinner for me the next day we had off together, oh and when I say casually mentioned I mean more of a causal demand. So last Saturday was the day. I was so excited, I planned on staying up stairs until I was called down, I even picked out a dress to wear. The event started Friday night when Rob made a double batch of his family “gravy” (for you non-Italians gravy is marinara sauce, yeah took me a while too). It is so yummy, I eat it by it’s self, like a bowl of tomato soup.

and for all that stirring…

and the hard work on Friday sooo paid off

and the end… YUMMY! I won't talk about dessert ;)

Traditions

2008-11-14T20:36:00.000-08:00

Some from a time you weren’t even a thought in your parents mind. Some based in your religious beliefs. Some you don’t believe in but do for loved ones. Some created by accident, some still a dream to be part of your future family. Some you don’t realize to be such a big part of your life until they come around and make you realize you couldn’t live with out them.

I come from a family with little tradition, not that we haven’t tried or have hope for some in the future. I think we use to have them but life changes and traditions fade. I as someone who was meant to be a 1950’s house wife love the idea of tradition….so I’ve made a few.

I recently had my annual weekend with two amazing women, two ladies that I credit for teaching me many things about life. It’s a wonderful tradition of a night in a swank hotel in the city, lots of booze (I never said traditions couldn’t include libations, in fact they are sometimes necessary), and lots of talking. The only common theme is love, so much love for one another, and honesty, pure honest conversation, nothing to prove nothing to show just 3 ladies putting it out on the table, open for opinion and thought. Since its beginning many things have happened, weddings, graduations, job changes, moves but the tradition remains. This year was a bit of an after thought, brought on by the idea of seeing a movie, plan tickets bought soon after and the anticipation of what we knew was to come hit.

We stayed at the Palace this year and enjoyed their high tea, complete with piano man Paul who refused our request for Aero Smith and Guns and Roses, saying he had to play to the crowd, whatever! I should say that before picking up Ny, J and I grabbed our party favors for the night, which some how included 3 bottles of perseco, cheese, crackers and chocolate, the usual fare for this annual fiesta! We seemed to have gone through 2 of the bottles before tea, hummm, I just don’t know how this happened. We shopped road cable cars had an interesting date at the Tonga Room (what happens at the Tonga stays at the Tonga ;)), had drinks at the historic bar in our hotel (yes I geeked out on the history, Mark Twain ate lunch there and etc.., just cus I was drunk doesn’t mean I don’t love a good bit of American history). We ended with Sex in the City in bed with a jug of pre-mix Cosmopolitans, yeah we have no shame. The next day, some feeling worse then others, included eating shopping eating again and 3 hearts filled with love. We parted with plans in the works for next year, as we have a tradition.

Find tradition, big or small, it’s what sews us all into the quilt of life…too cheesy?, OK it’s a chance to drink with friends, there!)

Code Word WW

2008-11-14T20:35:00.000-08:00

So I’ve been doing a little inspiring lately, and not in the be bad be very very bad sort of way I’m use too. I have recently lost 15 of the 35 lbs I packed on in the last 2 years. My secret many have asked, good ol’ Weight Watchers. I’ve been a member in past weight gains and knew it was just the ticket. I have some co-workers that have since joined and are having success as well. I have a while to go yet but I’m feeling better…in many ways. I love feeling better about how I look. I love that every time I stand up to cheer on the Sharks I give the guy be hind me a plumber shot (this wouldn’t happen in Mr. Aschero would pick up my down sized jeans from the seamstress-I may be thinner but no more taller!). I love that I have one less chin when smiling. I love that I haven’t been asked if I was pregnant in quite sometime (yeah it was happening often, and not always in at the greatest time given my current childless situation!). I love that my husband notices and more that he is always telling me, thank you to Mr. A for being of the out numbered sex in your house growing up, you know just what to say! I’m trying to love that I have to go on, more to do more to loose, it’s hard but I love a challenge! Heres to one less chin by December!!!

Still Alive

2008-11-11T20:34:00.000-08:00

Many topics little time. A list to keep me accountable…

continue trip…

traditions..

plans for Thanksgiving…

weight (loss)…

ok that ought to get me started. I will be back to bombard you all with the details.

Boys II Men

2008-10-30T20:28:00.000-07:00

So one day my mom told me some pretty heavy news, My brother got a girl pregnant (at least one of us can procreate!). I was so sad for my brother, thinking his life is over. A few months later I got a call that his son was born in Arizona where his girlfriend lived at the time. It would be about a month before I met little Jacob, I came home one night and there he was, a perfect beautiful baby boy, he took my breath away. A few months later the whole family was back home and I got to see my little guy everyday. I couldn’t get enough of him, he was just such an amazing creature, bright red hair and a look of old wisdom across his sweet face. He was sensitive from the start, always looking you in the eye. One day when he was about 2 1/2 I was crying after a fight with my boyfriend and he looked right at me and said “Kakie (pause) hold my hand” it melted my heart. Later a brother came along, equally unplanned, and some how my heart grew. He was a fusy little guy who only wanted mom. He was a sad victim of sentimental parents who refused to cut his hair for the first 2 years of his life leaving him with a blond mullet, despite much protest from his favorite aunt. He later started to like the rest of us and found much love. I was often mistaken for his mom, which was funny as I looked about 15 when he was born. Some how with out me looking we gained a special connection, a closeness and similarity that goes without explanation. The brothers had a rough start, Jake being a bit jealous of Jordan and at some point pushing him off the bed at 3 months of age. They managed to create this silent connection, a bond held only between the two of them, a fact that makes me happy.

I can’t be more proud of the way these 2 have grown up, they’ve been challenged in their young life but live with a kind heart. I hope to always foster confidence as I feel sometimes it’s lacking. I wish there was a way of letting them know how amazing they are with out it being said because I’m the aunt. I hope they know that they came into a family and gave it life. I have to say there pretty cool and I’m happy to have their love, it is something very special.

The Trip Continues

2008-10-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

The day we got to Connecticut was a drive day. We only had 2 big drive all day days, but we had a lot to see from the rental…

We drove from Connecticut through New Hampshire and into the southern tip of Mass. I wished later that I had taken a photo of all the “Welcome to” signs, but didn’t think of it until our trip was winding down.

We made it to Cap Cod where we stayed the night. We got there a bit later then we hoped to so we didn’t see all of it. We did go to a Drive In Movie though, well sort of. Mr. Aschero only brought enough clothes for 1/2 the trip (he brings a surf board to lug around “in case” the flat East Coast surf suddenly, magically quadrupled in size, but he doesn’t want to pack enough clothes for a 12 day trip!?!?) so we knew we were going to do laundry at some point. We check in to our hotel room and I get nice and cozy when he makes the decision that tonight is laundry night, yup I was very excited! He sold a pretty story something about a Blockbuster being near the Landry Mat and how we could bring the computer and watch a movie I say “OK baby thats sounds great! I think :but you can go get the movie and we can watch it here and you can just smell a little tomorrow”! (he did offer to go alone but that wouldn’t have been nice of me and I was feeling a little nice). So we threw the laundry in, got our movie, parked the car in sight of the spinning clothes and we watched our drive in movie, and actually it was a “load” of fun! ( so not a comedian!)

We got up bright and early to catch our ferry to Nantucket! I was so excited about visiting Nantucket, I was an avid watcher of Wings, probably not cool to admit but I just loved the idea of all the characters living on a little Island! As soon as we approached I could tell I was going to love it, it was foggy and cold and it was perfect. We walked to our hotel, in one of the oldest buildings on the Island, built for a wealthy whaler and his family. We left our bag and started to walk, we really wanted to see the houses, they were amazing, big, beautiful and only used about 12 weeks out of the year, ah to be rich!

We had so much fun just walking around. We went to a beach

Saw a light house

and had a great time.

All the walking made us hungry so we headed into town. We found this cute pub where I got my first bowl of New England Clam Chowda..in New England!

Yum!

We walked around and were so impressed by this little Island, coble stone streets, old buildings, great little shoppes, primarily for window shopping ($$$).

Rob “casually” mentioned that the 49’s were playing New England later in the day, and that he wouldn’t mind watching it, which was fine with me as I was fighting a little cold and it started to rain, I was all about taking a nap in our old hotel. We walked through the homes closer to town our way, much different but equally beautiful to the coastal homes

I want one of these for my roof…

We stopped for some Fudge and headed to bed. Rob got us some yummy pizza during half time and we watched the rain fall in Nantucket, it was a perfect day

The Elephant in the Blog

2008-10-23T20:25:00.000-07:00

So I have gained a few loyal readers since the introduction of My Lovely Life and there is no secret among us as to why this blog was started. I haven’t ignored it or purposively written around it, I just needed a place to remind me of what I do have, a visual that had become a necessity. Our struggles continue, in a far more private manor, today, and I suspect in some ways our entire life. I will say that this has been an education like no other, nothing else could have taught me more about life then these 2+ years have. I have had a truly blessed supportive circle around me trying to help in so many different ways, some working others not but with a heart of good intention. Recently I learned of one of those ways and it got me thinking how tough it is to brooch the situation for most, sometimes down right uncomfortable. I hope it isn’t inappropriate, but I’d like to write about things that do help, things people can say to me or anyone going through this life altering situation. I know this sounds weird but I’ve been on the other side of many awkward faces recently, watching them search for just the right thing to say which doesn’t exist by the way so give your self a break!

So here it is my Top 10 do’s and don’t’s for talking to an infertile….

DO simply say “that sucks” or any other four letter word that suits the situation. I have one friend that I talk in depth with about this subject(as she understands from a sadly personal level) and the best thing she has ever said to me was thats fucked up. Simple. to the point. Exactly how I feel.

DON’T tell me about your neighbors sisters friends coworkers grandmothers dog who couldn’t get pregnant and finally did after 7 miscarriages and 4 failed IVF’s. This comes from the most sincere place and is also the easiest go to when the topic comes up. I love the thought behind it but everyone is different, all situations are different and far too many times I’ve compared my situation to the neighbors sisters friends coworkers grandmothers dog and have been disappointed.

DO ask me about it, bring it up, be interested, don’t avoid it, it’s like talking to some one with a huge piece of spinach between their teeth and not telling them, it’s just rude, and gross actually! It’s OK to ask how we are, we’ll tell you if we don’t want to talk but most of the time I’m an open book on the topic, wish more people were.

DONT tell me you have the opposite problem, that if you just look at a pennis you get pregnant, don’t be so shocked, people, many people have actually gone there, more then once. I don’t get it just has much as you but it happens, never by any of you but I swear it’s happened. Your explanation of excess fertility is like a skinny girls telling a fat girl “I need to loose weight“, yeah thats happened to me too. There should be a whole other planet for these people.

DO understand when I have to turn done an invitation or can’t join in on all the reindeer games, or don’t send Christmas cards, or don’t reply to baby announcements (yes we’ve received them), or can’t call you back, or call you in the first place. This is a toughy for me, it’s the part of me that I miss the most, I love a good party and more then that I love to through a good party, yes I can hear all the Martha jokes! I love supporting my friends and family through all their adventures and triumphs, to talk on the phone for hours about nothing, watching little league games, or making my homemade Christmas cards (that I know everyone keeps for ever and ever) it’s just that we can’t right now. I’m more then convinced that we will be those people again, and because of that I’m OK with who we are right now, temporarily. We are surrounded by so much love I don’t know if we’ll ever grasp it all. Also please know that Mr. Aschero and I aren’t sitting around sulking and feeling sorry for ourselves, not all the time anyway;), it’s just that sometimes we are the only ones who know how we’re feeling and sometimes we just need that.

DON’T: stop inviting us to things, or calling or writing, we will one day again crash all your parties, Rob being the boring sober guy in the corner going on and on about the economy (love you babe, but it’s true) and me being the girl who thinks she can drink as much as the guy beside her only to be found asleep in your bed a few hours later, yeah that day will come soon!

DO: Make us laugh, it’s the best medicine since xanax, we are always in need of a good laugh, even if it’s a bad joke we’ll just laugh at you for telling a bad joke!

DON’T keep it from us. Rob got a pregnancy announcement the other day that started with “I have some bad news”. There is nothing about a baby being conceived that is a bad thing, it just sucks for us (please reference DO number 1). People with very good intentions try to keep these joyous occasions from us, and I truly understand why, but if you think about it, we probably need more time with the idea then most. People want to say it’s so unfair that it’s not our turn and that someone else is pregnant before us (I know I say it everyday myself) and it is true that I wish it was me but I also hate that I’m left out of the excitement. Whats really unfair is that I am usually the first one to buy a baby gift or send a card or check on belly size on a regular basis and I miss having the strength to do that. I still want to know when people close to us are expecting (no need for all the details of course;)!). I won’t lye, it hurts so bad knowing someone got what we so desperately want and have worked so hard to get, but it hurts more when it’s hidden from us. It’s ok for me to know, after 2 years of this I’ve developed a pretty thick skin and a strong heart, I just can’t run out and buy a giant baby bottle filled with candies just yet. We are happy for others news but sad for our lack of news.

DO: take me on a vacation around the world to get my mind off things! (or a movie would be great too)

DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T tell me just to relax, oh my gosh! Unless you want to watch a face turn 8 shades of red in 20 seconds, keep this one to your self. I will refrain from including all the studies that have been done on this topic and just simple say there is no relaxing, trust me, I’ve spent many hours in therapy to learn this, there is no relaxing in baby making, not after 2 years 4 losses and 782 nervous breakdowns, there is no relaxing! These is breathing, walking, dogs, husbands, friends, projects at work, chocolate, wine, neighbors with wine, Mexican blankets(yes I have a “security” blanket of sorts, not proud but it helps), more chocolate, Tivo, days spent in bed with said Tivo, but no relaxing.

DO know that I could not have gotten through all of this with out all the love and support and kindness and prayers and thoughts and random notes in the mail and hugs and offers to go the doctors visits and the understanding and the hikes with the girls and the dogs and the times we were left alone and the looks of “I’m here for you” with no words and the flowers and watching of the dogs so we can escape the east coast and the long lunches and days off to go for procedures and the ambush of some amazing girls getting me out of bed and back to work and the 1-2 word texts letting me know your walking this with me, and the energy that comes from so many that want this to happen for us, it is powerful and it’s felt. Thank you. Love you.

recipe

2008-10-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

so I made a delicious desert for the family this weekend, I woke up this morning very sad that I didn’t take a photo, it was very pretty. I wanted to share part of the recipe with you. I made simple apple turnovers (just loosly followed a couple different recipes for these) but I made a delicious cinnamon sauce to go with them. We had a similar dish while on vacation and I knew I had to find a way to make it.

The measurments are aproxaments as I seem to lack the skill of measuring.

3/4 cup corn syurp

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp cinnamon extract.

simmer all together on low stirring occasionally to prevent a slight film to form, and there you have a very easy cinnamon sauce for just about anything, I could have just poured it over the ice cream and been in heaven. (my dad actually had to get up for a spoon it was that good) Give it a try and let me know what you think. This might have to be a Christmas gift project!?!

Part 3

2008-10-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

Sorry I’ve been MIA, folks in town, no time to write. So once we got our car we did what any loyal E! watcher would do, we hit the Hampton’s looking for stars! We being of the working class didn’t realize that it’s so the wrong season for “The Hampton’s”, but the houses were so crazy amazing………

Sorry for the obstructed view, part rich people not wanting gaukers taking pictures of their house part bad husband not wanting to look like a dork taking pictures from the rented Chevy. We looked around all the Hampton’s, who knew there were so many!

(just the local high school, can you say wow!)

I did try to find the Barefoot Contessa but no luck. We ate and headed for the tip of Long Island, Montauk, where we stayed. It was beautiful, our first look at East Coast, Coast!

a popular place to fish I guess.

We ate some pizza, a theme of the trip if you couldn’t tell. We spent a good portion of the night figuring out how to get the 2 of us and the car across to Connecticut, and then went to sleep.

2 ferry rides later…

never leaving our car mind you….

we were in Connecticut.

As we drove through we stopped in Mystic, yes the place Mystic Pizza was filmed, so excited for a chick flick lover as my self. We did some shopping had some ice cream, took the cheesy shot of the pizza sign and continued on our way.

To be continued….

East Coast part 2

2008-10-13T20:22:00.000-07:00

So we took the red eye into New York City, well first to Dallas (hi Denay), and then to NYC. I was so excited about taking the red eye, it has always sounded so sexy and metropolitan…it’s neither! It is exhausting, I managed to get some sleep but overall it was tiring. Once we arrived the energy of the city took over, we threw our bags in the room, I changed into something a bit Sex in the City (more about this mistake later) and hit the town, first stop…. Pizza!!

mine, at this point still trying to be a bit healthy, please note the veggies.

Robs, Note the cheese.

Bellies full we were off. We walked everywhere. Everywhere. We did take the subway as the city folk do, sans the map I’m sure.

The weather was great and the sites were amazing. Rob was as relaxed as he can be, enjoying all the walking, which in theory was a great idea, big city lots to see, but if you’ll recall I had the brilliant idea of putting on a little Carrie Bradshaw which included a pencil line skirt and lace flats, an outfit that on a curvy girl presents a fare share of chafing and swelling of feet. Yes I know not very sexy but noth’n but honesty on this blog!

We did the usual…

and the not so usual

we stubbled upon an NHL store and Rob was happy.

We finished our first night with a trip to Serendipity 3

Home of the Frozen Hot Chocolate, so yummy!

The next day more exploring, this time in comfy jeans and tennies, yeah learned my lesson there. We went to Central Park, Wall Street and many places in between. I did some shopping, not as much as you would think, but it was fun. The next day we hit the road, well the train, the long Island express way, couldn’t get a line from friends out of my mind, anyway, we picked up our car, headed to the coast and the trip continues….

Not Taking the Year Off

2008-10-13T20:18:00.001-07:00

So I know I’m suppose to write all about my trip and I will, but I felt inspired to do some fall decorating. Maybe it was the leaves changing on the east coast or coming home to my little home or just simply not wanting to take another year off from my favorite time of year. So I snapped some photos and wanted to do a bit of showing off!

My Lovely Life on the East Coast

2008-10-13T20:18:00.000-07:00

So we just got back from an amazing trip to the east coast, a birthday gift from Mr. Aschero. It was absolutely amazing. I will blog every last detail over the next few days, as I don’t think I can do it justice in 1 post. I am rather tired after our long journey home, delayed flights, unpacking, time change, whew, I’m sleepy. I will post about our arrival into NYC a lively city which holds some great memories for us.

Some random thoughts….

I love my home.

I miss my dogs.

I love my husband.

I’m sleepy.

I love my husband.

2008-10-13T20:17:00.000-07:00

still charming……

Is This Bad...

2008-09-27T20:16:00.000-07:00

So as I sit here writing I am dying my hair. It’s been a long time since I died it as evident by the strange orange color that squeezed out of the tube that I’d been storing with all the other necessary items under my sink. Now I know what your thinking, clearly she did not go ahead with using the colour, that she obviously thought of checking to see if such product has and expiration date and that she reminded her self the beauty store was just a few minutes away! If your thinking any of these things you surely don’t know me. So here I sit with expired dye on my head and this is me. This is the kind of thing I do. One could say it’s a flaw, lazy or just plan stupid but it’s me, and I’m going to embrace it. I don’t think we simply embrace these quirky things about ourselves, we are continually trying to change, do better, live better, but I think there are just fundamental characteristics about ourselves that make us, well us, no need to change, just accept and smile. And I’m well aware that there is a chance that I will read this back and not think it’s as charming as I do now but I’m willing to take the chance as this is my lovely life.

A hug from J

2008-09-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

So I have to say that I can’t imagine doing anything but being a nurse. There are days that it’s just a job, I go in do my job and leave just as anyone does. Then there are days that touch my heart so deep that it takes my breath away a little. So N brought J by for a visit, her first fist since she left and I was speechless, she looked so amazing. My little J dressed in jeans and a tee shirt, she looked beautiful. I stood right in front of her until she looked up and saw me, she grinned from ear to ear and we hugged. She allowed me to hold her for quite some time before she realized that she was in an embrace and remembered that she just doesn’t do that and then she pulled away. Oh the feeling was incredible, indescribable. She walked around a bit, had her fill and nudged N to take her back, back to a place we thought for sure she wouldn’t want to go, a place we fought for months to get her to, a place until yesterday I had my doubts about. I miss seeing her everyday and think of her always when I walk by her room, still haven’t taken a patient in that room since she left. I wonder why I became so attached, I think everyone has that one patient but I think it’s more then that. I think it’s where I was when she came into my life, wanting to mother. I just know that I love her, I love J and she is forever embedded in my heart as a person and as a nurse, she’s in my heart.

Hello World

2008-09-25T20:13:00.000-07:00

Ok here we go. For all of you who know me (as if any but myself were reading this) I have been defined by one thing for the last two years. I’m stating this journey to remind myself of all the wonderful, lovely things that define me and my life. It’s hard to imagine that I a life to live beyond the obstacle of creating life. In my first post I will list a few things that define me, a reference for those days I forget.

I am defined by the eternal love I have for my husband, the one person who knows me

I am defined by my profession, a nurse, the only thing I could ever imagine doing (well except have a jam company, or a cafe with home made pastries or a dog walker, OK I have some ideas)

I am a friend and I have great friends. I’m proud of relationships I have learned to let in

I am a crazy “dog person”, I have dogs who with out I wouldn’t have nearly as much to smile about

I have a family, a crazy complex wonderful family

I am a crafter, a baker, a cook. I don’t vacuum, drop dishes while washing them and leave laundry in the washer for days.

I love my husband, a man who deserves to be listed twice. A man that supports me through all the crazy ideas I have with a smile and a strong heart. This man knows me on the insides. A man that you will be exhausted over hearing his name throughout this journey.

I hope this list is ever growing, I am one complex lady I just don’t remember why!